Pint Size Surprise

Here's to old friends...

2011-10-20T19:35:00.003+02:00

Hey Gentle Heart,

Willem found me on Facebook a little over a week ago. You remember Willem, right?

Can't remember how long it's been... He went offline years ago to please the girl he was dating back then. But was it before or after...

We've mentioned getting together to catch up. That would be nice, but really all I can think is: does he know? Would he ask about you? If he doesn't ask, should I say something?

Because as good as it would be to catch up with an old friend, all I really want is to share memories of you with someone who knew you. Who knew me before you. Who isn't family.

We'll see. He's always been a busy guy.

Unfinished Thoughts

2011-09-19T18:52:00.002+02:00

Guys that look like that don't look at girls that look like me...

Girls like me have nothing to talk about with guys like that...

Don't think that's all there is to me, what you see is not what you get...

Just when I think I have my impulsive nature under control, I look in the mirror at what I've most recently done to my hair *sigh*...

Disjointed yes, but my thoughts.

"You'll get used to it..."

2011-08-13T23:30:00.002+02:00

Your birthday...
The first one I spent far away from anything connected to you.
Your ghost is not here.
There are no bad memories here...

"It hurts so bad, but don't be sad, you'll get used to it..."

Yeah. I have.

On PMS Days

2011-08-11T14:42:00.004+02:00

I still wish I wasn't so easily manipulated by you...
I still wish I had told you "no"...
I still wish I had realised you were an emotional and financial vampire...
(if I had turned to the cross, just once... all vampires are scared of the cross, I don't care what Twilight says...)
And I still wish I could bash your face in with a baseball bat...

But only sometimes.

2011-07-15T13:18:00.001+02:00

I can hardly believe this is my 3rd Friday in the new flat! After a wobbly start I can proudly say it feels like home :-)

Thanks to a very successful shopping spree and gifts from amazing friends, my list of items have shrunk considerably. And after an unexpected phonecall from my Outop this morning, it has shrunk even more! All I need:

Spoonrest
Bucket for mop
Stainless steel frying pan with lid
Addis Dustbin
Stainless steel shower rack with hooks for towels at the back

And of the big ticket (non-urgent) items:

TV
TV stand
Small dark brown wooden credenza
2 White "bedkassies"
Small clotheshorse (maybe)

Sjoe, never thought I'd get that list down :-)

Shopping list update

2011-07-05T14:36:00.003+02:00

Haven't found curtains yet :( But have reduced the list with a few items:
Microwave dish cover
Dish drying rack
Bathmat

Eh, not a lot hey... Still need:
2 Drops of curtains
1 Stainless steel frying pan with lid
1 Small Teflon frying pan
1 Square glass casserole dish
Dustbin
Cutting board
Cutlery divider for drawer
Cutlery drying rack
White wicker baskets for bathroom

And the big stuff - couches, tv etc. *siiiiiiiigh*

Priorities....

2011-06-27T13:40:00.003+02:00

.... I don't haz them....

Saturday afternoon, after a baby shower for a very special lady, I made the mistake of going into Wetherleys – where I can not only not afford the very air that’s in the place, I’m not worthy to breathe that air either :-/

Well having thoroughly depressed myself, I went to Sheet Street and bought a brown tablecloth, a red silk overlay and 2 red silk scatter cushions. Yes I bought pretty filler when what I need is this:

2 Drops of curtains
1 Stainless steel frying pan with lid
1 Small Teflon frying pan
1 Square glass casserole dish
Microwave dish cover
Dustbin
Cutting board
Cutlery divider for drawer
Cutlery drying rack
Dish drying rack
White wicker baskets for bathroom
Bathmat
Small clotheshorse
That thing - y'know - you hang it in your shower to put all your shampoos 'n stuff in? And on the side that goes outside the shower it has hooks for towels? Yeah I'm confused too...

Then I need couches, a big pc screen, a tv stand and a credenza for my books & fairies.
But I buy pillows. SMH.

Two years and (almost) one month later

2011-06-20T15:34:00.000+02:00

I told myself I wouldn’t count. I wouldn’t be one of *those* people that keep track of the years, for years. You know the ones that say: It would’ve been so-and-so many years, he would have been so-and-so much on his birthday, it’s our so-and-so’th Christmas without.

And I don’t. And I’m not. The dead should stay dead. Left in peace. I hope you are at peace. I trust you are at peace. I’m hardly ever in pieces anymore...

But still.

I think about you every day.
I think about how I failed you, right from the start.
All those good intentions.
Looking back, it is all so clear.
My failure.
Your love, unconditional, despite me.

So. So what I wanted to tell you was that I am moving. That I know it doesn’t matter where I go, I carry myself with me – all my sadness, all my happiness, all my memories. You. But I think it is a good idea to move somewhere where the wound is quite so in my face.

I hope you’re okay with that.

Daydream

2011-05-16T07:06:00.002+02:00

Have had low-level depression and high-level boredom at work for most of last week. (Possibly it has also been fed by the crazy things happening around the world these days.) I firmly believe that boredom is a personal failure and I could certainly challenge myself a lot more, but that is what my work makes me feel: bored.

I can’t see the point in it. I mean what good does bookkeeping actually do in the great scheme of things? Is *this* really how we are meant to spend our lives: working in concrete towers, most times also living in them? I do love my electricity, internet, TV, books and all the other trappings of civilization, but is it really healthy to be so far removed from nature & the rest of creation?

Now I’m not saying I want to go live on a farm out in the sticks or pitch a tent in the open veldt somewhere. (There’s bugs out in nature, okay, how… unorganized.) But I’d love to have my Victorian cottage near the ocean, with enough land to grow some of my own fruit & veg… Sustaining my internet and book addiction by some as yet unknown means….

Dream home. Without the American flag of course.

It just seems there ought to be a better way to live, you know? Or am I a hopeless, clueless dreamer…

Living in a box…

2011-05-09T14:45:00.003+02:00

Living in a cardboard box…

Or out of several, in this case. Meh. So dearest ex-flatmate: there are no winners here. I would have loved to stay on in our sunny cozy apartment, but you were no longer “happy” there – for no reason you could give.

You said you couldn’t really afford the rent and you couldn’t afford to buy food, but you bought a car – after we’d talked about transport and I’d said I’d make a plan for you. You changed to a much more expensive gym – because “if you’re serious about gym you must go to the best gym”.

Now I’m the villain. I broke up our happy home. I’m the one that basically ended our 10 year long friendship. Well I’m sorry, but I couldn’t spend one more month worrying over if you could pay your half of the rent or not. One more month of buying food for us, while you bought cases of bottled water & gym supplements. One more month of driving you to work & letting you borrow my car without asking for a petrol contribution, while you got expensive haircuts and so on and so forth.

You always wanted something other than what you had. You always said how much happier you’d be if you could start all over again in a different country. Don’t you know that wherever you go you take *you* with you? A different place would not make you happy when it’s your attitude that’s poisoning you.

You’d already had so many chances at a new beginning, chances that you did nothing with! Don’t you remember how two different people at two separate times got you completely out of debt? *You* put yourself back there, not your background or circumstances, *you*. Don’t you remember when you decided you just *had* to study further, it would make everything better? A friend paid for your entire studies and *you* decided that it was “too hard” & not what you wanted to do after all after a mere month.

So when you changed your mind *again* and decided we should stay in the apartment, I said “No”. And I became the villain. The cardboard box villain.

Cheap Therapy

2011-04-28T14:01:00.000+02:00

You know what I don’t like about me? This feeling that I have, that I have to “prove” myself:

That I’m funny,
That I’m smart,
That I’m fun,
That I’m sexy,
That I’m deep,
That I’m into sports,
That I’m *not* into sports,
That I’m a good girl,
That I’m not a goody-two-shoes,
That I’m girly,
That I’m a tomboy,
That I’m a unique fucking snowflake.

Well screw that, *this* is me:

My brother thinks I’m funny – that’s good enough for me.
I’ve managed to survive for 30 years, I think that means there’s a brain in here somewhere. Plus I read books n stuff. Really thick books :P
I like to dance but I’ll never be the live of a party as I love my 11pm bedtime too much. Also I’m not into drinking. So sorry. My idea of fun leans more towards nature & outdoorsy activities.
I might have a skew nose, bad skin, teeth that’ll never be white, more wrinkles & grey hair every day and small boobs – but I love my packaging.
Again: thick books. Really.
I’ll watch cricket & F1 when I feel like it, rugby & soccer only when the fancy takes me (and it doesn’t take me often).
Um… I probably am a goody-two-shoes. Meh.
I like some girly stuff like jewellery, facials, painting my nails every so often and dressing up now & then, but I’m jeans & tekkies girl at heart.
I *am* a unique fucking snowflake. Just like everybody else. But so what? I like me and that’s what counts.

I won’t try so hard to prove something that I change into someone I’m not.

I shouldn't worry so

2011-03-23T14:56:00.001+02:00

Bad night's sleep and very tense shoulders today :( Shouldn't let this potential government job stress me out, it's a contract post - I'm not leaving my permanent job for a contract post. I also doubt that I'm qualified for the position, so basically I'm only testing the waters. Next year when my current department head has retired, that's when I feel ready to look for something else. And I won't be afraid that something good won't be available anymore. The right opportunity will be there at the right time #powerofpositivethinking.

Now that's cleared up for my over-thinking brain, we're back to the homelessness issue. I'm not sure what to do... See my Outop and I both work in Town so we drive in together & share the cost of parking + petrol. All the while I was looking for a new apartment at the beginning of the year; I had to make sure it would be close to the parents so that Outop & I could still drive together. The *one* apartment I found that I liked – and I viewed a LOT of places - he deemed too far away (okay it was way too small as well, but I liked it). There were a few more after that one that looked promising, but he also vetoed those.

Then I was out of time and my only option was to move back in with the parents. Yay. We decided that we’d look into building on a separate apartment for me if it didn’t cost too much. Then if my dad wasn’t working in Town anymore after two years or so, I’d take the train in or some other form of transport. We’ve had plans drawn up and were going to get quotes to see if this building would be possible.

But now he’s already talking about working somewhere else next year. I don’t see the use in continuing this process if as early as next year we won’t be driving together anymore. I can get a place closer to Town, the beach and public transport! I don’t know what the right thing to do is…

Con’s

• More expensive (and probably smaller) than what I’d have with them,
• I’d be far away from them if I needed help with something.
• Ditto if they needed help with something (Mom’s getting a tad frail),
• Would be trading having my own (limited) space for a rented space,
• I can’t move out while Outop & I are still driving into Town together, so I’d have to stay with them till next year or find someplace for say 6 months – which means moving again and again.

Pro’s

• I’d have more privacy,
• There would be parking for friends,
• I could actually *have* friends over,
• I wouldn’t be at the ass-end of the world,
• There should be more on this Pro list.

This isn’t really helping, but at least I don’t have to decide anything right this instant. Soon though, soon… :O

Look at the time...

2011-03-14T13:12:00.000+02:00

It's almost two years since I lost you
almost two years and I can still imagine you
by my side as I walk on the beach
Wish you were here...

Items of clothing

2011-03-01T10:26:00.001+02:00

Then I’d rather not be noticed at all, than this.

My usual “cloak of invisibility” is infinitely preferable to this… this… feeling that I’m not “good enough” – for lack of a better description.

Oh I know it isn’t true, it wasn’t meant that way and it wasn’t meant to be at all anyway. But it’s how I feel and it’s a sucky feeling.

And I’ll be eating cake until it goes away.

#thatisall

Worries Updated

2011-02-25T13:35:00.001+02:00

Car service still not done…

Faulty fridge was fixed.

Finally got new contact lenses.

My expanding thighs are at least not expanding more, but they’re not smaller either.

Still need a screen that's compatible with my external harddrive, furniture and odds ‘n ends for new place.

Got my deposit + interest back and also some of the money some people owed me, still have a lot of Honey money outstanding though.

New worry: eye infection, protein the doctor found where there shouldn’t be protein, whatever is making my calves swell and if Discovery will pay all these medical bills.

On the home front: we got an architect, now waiting on him to finish the plans so we can get building quotes.

No worries on the job front, doesn’t look like I’ll get the government job as it wasn’t in my line at all – totally #failed the test.

The way a heart breaks

2011-02-11T07:54:00.000+02:00

(Gee thanks Twitter for causing this flashback. But the truth is, he's never far from my mind.)

Stroke…? Seizure…? Doesn’t matter what we call it, it still took you away.

I placed what was left of you in their care.

They said you didn’t survive the second one.

I already knew you were gone after the first.

“Hello. Yes. Okay. Thank you for calling.”

List of worries

2011-02-04T13:05:00.000+02:00

Car service
Faulty fridge
New contact lenses
My expanding thighs
Screen that's compatible with my external harddrive
Deposit of old flat that hasn't been paid back to me yet
The odds and ends I need to buy for my new home
Getting a new home
Getting back the money I'm owed by various people
Furniture needed
To take the government job or not (if I'm offered it after the interview)

Even in dreams

2011-01-18T09:15:00.000+02:00

In a dream within a dream
I dreamt of you
And when I awoke within this dream of a dream
I still knew it was true
I live in a world without you

Loneliness is...

2011-01-18T08:31:00.000+02:00

Accidently calling someone else by your name
And no one notices.
But the sound of your name echoes
Even if only I can hear it.

And another thing

2011-01-05T15:23:00.000+02:00

Working through the budget to see in what price-range I can search for an apartment... Heaven help me... *repeats: "it'll be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine" frantically*.
Okay, so we'll just tighten the belt more. And say "no" more. And eat bread & banana's most nights...
It'll be fine. It'll be worth it.

On lists

2011-01-05T13:15:00.002+02:00

Getting my "To Buy" list together of the things I need for my new home (when I find my new home... Eeep):

Kettle
Filter coffee machine or Bodem
4 x Cups
Cutlery
2 x Pots
Spoonrest
Square Pyrex dish
Coffee, tea & sugar containers
Dishtowels
Spatula
Tin opener
Dishes & cutlery drying-rack
Couch and 2 chairs
TV or screen

Will keep adding to the list as I think of things, but this will help me plan my budget.

My "To Do" list:

Get more boxes
Phone antique furniture stores - to sell marble tables
Phone more rental agents
Get potato masher, sugar storage container, small pot and "vatlappe" from mom
Ask cousin to make table or case for TV/Screen
Get Norah's furniture contact's details
Buy purple material for new bedroom curtains

And breathe breathe breathe :P

Part of the furniture

2010-12-20T07:48:00.000+02:00

I kept waiting for the conversation to start. Should I try “third time’s the charm” or write it off?

*sigh*

Trivial Pursuit

2010-11-22T15:21:00.000+02:00

The thrill of the chase… I have a problem with that phrase.
Yes yes I know what you’re thinking: “What *don’t* you have a problem with?” Lots of stuff. Bunnies. Ice cream. Long walks on the beach. World peace.

But moving along. I don’t like that phrase because in my experience it implies constantly chasing after something (or more accurately: someone) new, to keep feeling that "thrill".

Why would you chase what you have no intention of catching and keeping? Why can’t you just tell someone you like them and put them out of their (possible) misery? Or put yourself out of *your* (possible) misery? Where’s the fun in wondering what the fuck is going on??

People’s feelings aren’t a game. Silent Hill is a game. I suggest you go buy it, go get all that running and thrill seeking out of your system.

Rant

2010-11-12T10:22:00.000+02:00

I have a temper. I’m in a perpetual state of mild irritation or annoyance. It doesn’t affect my treatment of you or my opinion of you, I’m still going to think you’re okay.

Aside - my brother loves when I’m annoyed, he thinks my comments on movies & books & stuff are funny. Gotta <3 my brother for loving me for me xx

When I’m angry, which takes a loooooooooong time to happen, I might snap and say something in haste. Delete texts or emails or unfollow & unfriend you. Anger doesn’t last very long and I usually regret what I’d said/done & try to remedy it if need be.

Now I’m furious. And when I’m furious, full of real righteous fury, I don’t say anything. I’ll even nod & smile at you. But the next day I’ll be gone.*

It took the ex-hole three years to make me furious. The night I found out he’d been lying and cheating again I did nothing. The next morning I went to work & packed up all my stuff, cleaned out the pc and left. It was my flatmate and my mother that convinced me to go back (a week later) and stay till I’d found another job. I had to stay for three months. See, I do have patience. (And an admirable acting ability).

All this happened two years ago. Now I am furious again. After three years of living with the flatmate, three years of being annoyed, irritated and angry, I am now furious and I want out. Now.

We had a discussion two days ago about her wanting to buy a car but then not being able to afford food and rent. So I’d told her that there wouldn’t be much use in having a car but having no place to live. Was she going to sleep in the car?? She agreed that I had a good point and she’d wait until her situation improved (hah!). Then last night she waltzes in and informs me she’s joining a fancy, more expensive gym because “she’s serious about gym”, but can she borrow my car to get there? Oh only until she’s found a car of her own! She’s been looking and should have one soon, but remember she can’t afford food & rent, though she really really has to have a car. After all, there’s just no way for her to get a second part-time job without a car.

We’ll have to move too. Never fear! – she already has an apartment in mind because you know she’s no longer happy living here anyway. Sooooo… I must move because you decided on a whim you’re no longer happy? You expect me to support you while your priorities are gym & transport – how do you not see what’s wrong with this picture?

Where am I going with this rant? To the nearest rental agent, of course! My notice period is two months but if I don’t find a new place in that time (and don’t kill the flatmate during this time) I can stay with my parents till I find a place. It’s not ideal but it’s an absolute relief to know that I have that fallback. Wish me luck!

*I do the same when I’ve been hurt.

More than you'll ever know...

2010-11-10T12:54:00.001+02:00

I had a moment of: “I’m happy. Right now, I’m perfectly content.” Plate of good food I’d made the night before in front of me, gorgeous sunny view outside, a good book waiting to be read during lunchtime and a chocolate donut for later in the afternoon. Simple pleasures, happy me.
And as soon as I thought that, felt that, I looked up and at your photo. Your photo, in its pride of place on my desk. It doesn’t take away the happy moment but it does colour it…. slightly different.

Guess I will always be slightly different. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sunday Viewing Pleasure

2010-10-11T12:30:00.000+02:00

Let's all take a moment to appreciate this:

I forgot what my point was...

Umm...

Shooo...

Oh right. Invited the big brother over to watch some more Supernatural episodes in our quest to catch up and this stunning speciman of manhood was more than enough to draw the flatmate towards the TV as well :P (This is the same flatmate that thinks any and all things remotely fantasy/sci-fi/supernatural/horror etc is a "load of crap").

Flatmate even watched "When a Stranger Calls" with me. Granted it's more a suspense than a horror, but I see this as major progress :-D

A Rare Visitor These Days

2010-10-11T08:11:00.001+02:00

When Darkness comes to visit,
It whispers.
It lies.
It tells me:
"He is lost somewhere,
confused, in pain.
Wondering why you left."

It whispers.
It tells the truth.
It says:
"He suffered. He was terrified.
And you left."

When Darkness comes to visit,
I welcome It,
As the only way I get to see his face anymore.

More lyrics

2010-09-29T10:26:00.000+02:00

I heard this song for the first time while driving my brother around two Saturdays ago and I thought it was AWESOME!:

Shontelle - "Impossible"
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!

Ooh impossible
(yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did...

Wouldn't it be nice...

2010-09-27T09:52:00.001+02:00

...if someone was into you for YOU?
Not blondes or brunettes,
Not tall or short,
Not skinny or curvy,
Not sporty or girly/geeky,
Not big breasts or small breasts,
Not athletically slim or buff,
Just you, for YOU.

Yes clearly I had a crappy night out Saturday, with crappy discussions. Should've stood up and said: "at least I know the difference between eating tuna and a DOLPHIN!" and then walked out. Would've been better than trying to reason with unreasonable people. SMH.

Insensitive Saturday

2010-09-27T08:38:00.001+02:00

Saturday strikes again it seems with a horrible thought, brought on by a horrible conversation with (probably not) horrible people:

"What if everyone was wrong and you're not lost forever, but wandering around lost somewhere here?"

http://www.photochart.com/data/media/5/Lost_Love.jpg

I cannot stand the thought. It's not true and it's not healthy. And it hurts A LOT.
But I think I'm okay again. Helps to write this stuff out, lancing the boil and whatnot.

And on that note let me also say: watching someone else get what I want/ed = not so fun. But that's okay too.

Bruce Springsteen - Streets Of Philadelphia

2010-09-23T11:06:00.000+02:00

I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell what I felt
I was unrecognizable to myself
Saw my reflection in a window I didn't know my own face
Oh brother are you gonna leave me wasting away
On the streets of Philadelphia

I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
At night I could hear the blood in my veins
Just as black and whispering as the rain
On the streets of Philadelphia

Ain't no angel gonna greet me
It's just you and I my friend
And my clothes don't fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
just to slip this skin

The night has fallen, I'm lyin' awake
I can feel myself fading away
So receive me brother with your faithless kiss
or will we leave each other alone like this
On the streets of Philadelphia

I don't want to talk

2010-09-17T12:31:00.002+02:00

Grief Season. Whenever I see something/someone that reminds me of you. Like Wednesday night. Oh I smiled, I talked, I functioned, but by the end I was just going through the motions. Get away, get to my car, let the mindless task of driving soothe me.

Sometimes I don’t want to stop driving.

Since then Grief Season has not let me be.

“…loss doesn't define me, but there are some places in my head and heart that are mine and mine alone…”

Samuel 12:23 : “He shall not return to me…but I shall go to him.”

“In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.”

Conversations with the Flatmate

2010-09-16T15:49:00.001+02:00

“I don’t trust anyone. No one but no one but no one." She says. Like it’s something to be proud of . Reveled in. “And the less friends I have the better. In fact, I’d rather have none.”

I don’t think that’s something to boast about. I find it rather sad. I mean I, for one, am not good at the friendship thing at all. I say the wrong thing, share too much, share too little, act the wrong way and in general make an ass of myself constantly. But I try not to let this and my previous experiences in betrayal get me down.

Your friends are going to disappoint you, unintentionally. Your friends are going to hurt you, unintentionally. (If they did it intentionally they aren’t really your friends, now are they?) You are going to disappoint your friends, unintentionally. You are going to hurt your friends, unintentionally. You might even offend each other and you’ll certainly have differences of opinions.

This is all normal. We are all only human, after all and who wants to live in a world full of clones of YOU? *shudder* As humans we all have little quirks, insecurities, pet peeves and hurts that we maybe hadn’t shared with our friends (or maybe didn’t know of ourselves) that they’ll accidentally stumble across. As we will stumble across theirs.

And then you’ll have to trust the friendship. Trust that your friend did it unintentionally. Trust them enough to tell them: “Actually, this action/statement of yours hurt/offended me. Can you please explain what you meant?” Trust them with your honesty, because wouldn’t you in turn want the same courtesy of explaining yourself if you had unknowingly hurt them?

Trusting doesn't mean you are naive. Trust. Just a little. ‘Cause how sad is a party of one?

It's tiring...

2010-09-09T13:30:00.001+02:00

When it feels like I have to defend everything I say.
When it feels like I have to defend my basic personal tastes.
When it feels like my opinions don't matter, aren't valid or gets brushed aside.
When it feels like getting through and being understood is a mission.
When I am asked to share but it feels like nothing is shared in return.
Communicate with me or don't. I don't play guessing games, those too are tiring.

Still

2010-09-09T11:30:00.000+02:00

I find myself thinking of you at the strangest of times. Still.
You made such an impression.
For what it's worth, you got under my skin like no one else.
You are a tough act to follow.

Regret

2010-09-07T11:51:00.001+02:00

You would have loved the ocean
We would have had so much fun
I can see it now...
Who’s to say that image isn’t real?
Maybe I see it so clearly because that is where you are…

Be still my beating heart....

2010-09-03T14:58:00.000+02:00

No really, make this feeling stop:

courtesy of cheerupemokid

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffttt.... Fine. So to distract myself I filled in this little quiz-thingy, seen on pinkhairgirl's blog:

1. What is your signature colour?

No-brainer: it’s blue :-)

2. Your most embarrassing moment?

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you :P

3. Would you ever get anything else pierced, except for your ears.

No. Wait, let me rephrase that: Hell to the no.

4. Are you a social butterfly or a homebody?

Definitely a homebody, trying to masquerade as a social butterfly.

5. Are you done having babies or do you want more?

I’d like the chance to have one. Maybe two. Or none. I dunno.

6. Are you loyal to your hair stylist or do you try out every salon in town?

If I can find a hairdresser I’m happy with I’d be loyal… Right now it’s very “hit-and-miss”.

7. How many times have you moved in your life?

Once: from my parents’ house to my flat. I like stability & wouldn’t want to move more than once more.

8. If you could plan your dream vacation with just you and your love, where would it be?

Monkey Valley Beach Resort in Noordhoek. I was there on holiday in 2001 and absolutely loved it: awesome breakfasts & dinners, swimming pool right outside the room, big room with giant bed, bathroom with shower & bath, the ocean a couple minutes walk away as well as the mountain with wooded trails. Would love to go back there with someone special but I realize it’s been nine years since I saw the place last and much will have changed, so anyplace like it will do.
Actually it doesn’t really matter where we go, as long as this hypothetical person and I get to be together. *cue a chorus of “aaaaaawwwwwwwww’s” :P

And that brings me back to the damn butterflies. Damnit.

A ramble about the weekend past

2010-08-20T15:05:00.000+02:00

Have been thinking how to word this post and because it’s been on my mind, I dreamt about the ex (S) last night. Ultimate epic yuck. Brain still feels polluted. So I’m just going to bash away at the keys to get it out & over with:

If you don’t know by now, my cellphone and wallet was stolen at a work function last Saturday. I get asked “are you okay?” and “aren’t you angry?” a lot. People are angry on my behalf. People are very surprised it happened.

I’m not angry, I’m not upset. Quite frankly I’m fine. A little put out that I have to go through the schlep of getting a new driver’s license, not to mention finding a new wallet that I like – I’m full of nonsense when it comes to a wallet. Was a tad despondent about the time & effort I would spend on getting things back to normal and that’s about it.

You wanna know why? Because it’s only money and I’m used to losing it. I might have been pondering selling the old cellphone once I had upgraded, but it was never a reality in my mind. S had made off with 3 of my cellphones, so I never really “expected” to keep this one. The money they stole: oh well, now I’ll just have to budget a little better for one month, whatever. S had made off with thousands upon thousands, what’s a few hundred rand more going to do? I’m used to it.

There was no shock when I found out my stuff was stolen either. I’m kinda all shocked out since worrying myself sick every time S disappeared, every time the money disappeared, every time I found out there’s a new Poppie on the scene, every time a client would call me to ask when the work they’d paid for would be done, every time the balju came to the office, since I had to go to the police station & holding cells to visit S, since I had to slug down a tequila and listen to the speech “Erika is pregnant”, since I spoke to Erika on the phone and got the truth, since I saw S’s son who is his mirror image.

(Since mom called. Since you had that seizure in the back of my car. Since you died. )

So about this I’m not angry, but I do still get angry when I remember what S stole. I get angry when I remember how he said he wanted to punch E in the stomach so she’d loose the baby. I get sick when I remember how he told how it should’ve been my baby. Though there were good times too, those 3 years seem mostly like a horrible nightmare.

This, this is an inconvenience. That, that is something I’m working through. To let go of (very soon please!) and be completely free. Can I get a hallelujah, amen.

Birthday Song

2010-08-13T07:24:00.001+02:00

“Hy’s die Bielie van die Bosveld…”

It’s your birthday. The 13th. Friday the 13th.

I want to run with you, without worrying about my ankle.
I want to laugh at you splashing in the water & mud, and not think of the mess.
I want to enjoy the breeze with you, and not complain about the cold hurting my ears.
I want to play with you, and not watch the clock preoccupied with all that still needs to be done.
I want a hug from you, mussing my hair, ruining my make-up.
I want you.

I did not learn my lesson, all those years ago that W passed away. And so I again turn to this, in bitter regret:

For Anne – by Leonard Cohen

With Annie gone,

whose eyes compare

with the morning sun?

Not that I did compare,

But I do compare

Now that she's gone.

Oh Boo… My “Bielie van die Bosveld”. May you have ice cream in Heaven today.

So I'm a little proud of me...

2010-08-10T13:29:00.000+02:00

.... even though I almost lost my nail last night through my stupidity. Seriously, I missed my nail by *that* much! How awful would a girl look with one nail missing?? Vanity thy name is woman.

So before I feel too idiotic about an accident, I thought I'd write about two things that I'm proud of:

Finally unfriended the ex's new (now not-so-new) Poppie and his mother on Facebook. Yes yes I should've done it ages ago but truth be told I didn't want to look nasty and I didn't think it had any effect on me. Then I realised: who cares what they think? And Poppie's post over the weekend of: "I'm so tired from my son this weekend, how will I ever cope when there's another child?" had me thinking: "Why the hell have another child when you're constantly complaining about how you can't cope & can't keep up with this one? And are you actually *that* blind that you'd want a child with this asshole who never even sees his first child???" Hmmm..... Poison. Unfriend. Go me.
I'm going to learn how to swim this Summer!! Very excited about this :-D It's something I've always wanted to do but I never had the motivation & guts to try. Now I've got an almost-4-year-old godson that's also going for swimming lessons in the Summer - Aunty Carli doesn't want to miss out! And I've got wonderful inspiring friends cheering me on: Alice, Anita & Camilla :-D

And now I need to get back to work :P

7 Random Facts About Me

2010-08-10T11:54:00.000+02:00

So the Magical Miss Alice has asked me to share some facts about myself... Eep :O
Okay okay this can't be too difficult, so let's start!

I have a manageable knife phobia (don't know where it came from), which has now been aggravated by a stupid accident I had last night that earned me a trip to the emergency room.
I've got a cool head in a crisis - will remember things like antiseptic, hold the wound up, switch off the stove & oven etc etc.
I have a good first aid kit in my home.
I feel faint at the sight of blood and might faint and/or vomit. Attractive.
I don't like doctors at all. Doctors have needles. And scalpels. My needle phobia is worse than the knife phobia. (Regular phobiac am I. Awesome.)
My skin scars easily.
I enjoyed learning how to cook. Bit worried how I'll feel now when I need to use a knife again.

Probably not the best list, but it's what's on my mind at the moment so #therewego :P

Eye Candy

2010-07-30T15:36:00.000+02:00

To make up for my always gloomy blog and my current gloomy internal weather, I thought I’d do a little post on my TV/movie crushes through the years:

Johnny Depp in "21 Jump Street" - Forever my first TV love :P

Booker from "21 Jump Street" and "Booker"

Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in "Star Wars" - made me want to fight the Empire!

Ian Tracey as Spider in "Tropical Heat" aka "Sweating Bullets"

Seth Green as Oz in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Rodney Rowland as Cooper Hawkes in "Space Above and Beyond"

David Boreanaz as Angel in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel"

Christian Kane as Lindsey MacDonald in "Angel"

Stephen Dorff in "Blade"

Ryan Reynolds in practically anything - or in this case, practically nothing :P

Vin Diesel as Riddick in "Pitch Black" - that voice ladies, that voice...

Seth from "The OC"

Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor in "Smallville"

Sylar from "Heroes"

Eric from "True Blood"

Jensen Ackles as Dean in "Supernatural" and Alec in "Dark Angel"

Ian Somerhalder as Damon in "Vampire Diaries"

And there you have it: my perv list :P Mostly dark-haired men and most could be classified as "bad guys" in the roles they played, but the personality traits that attract me to these characters are their intelligence and wicked sense of humour (I do so love a witty snappy comeback). But the most important trait is: when push comes to shove, they get the job done (whatever it may be) and they are inherently good. Okay so maybe not *all* of the characters are inherently good (ie: Stephen Dorff in "Blade") - they're just hot, but hey this *is* a perv list after all :P

Emo Day

2010-07-26T14:26:00.001+02:00

Following in this emo vein...

Today I regret every choice I've made.
Every reckless decision made with reckless abandon.
Every chance I took that someone might be worth the chance.
Because of course my mother was right =
It stays with you: your behaviour, your choices, your... reputation.

How do I explain my thoughts, my reasoning?
How do I explain to someone so above reproach, when I know what it looks like?
How do I explain to someone so good... 'cos I'd never be worthy...

When my Gentle Heart died I was left with all this pain and regret and all the boundless love I'd had for him. No I don't think it was avoidance. When the opportunity presented itself to get to know my old crush better, I simply took it. Not surprisingly it turned out we weren't suited.
Then I met someone I really clicked with, who showed me how it was supposed to feel, who helped my heart accept that it was good to feel, except he didn't feel the same. There I was with an awake heart, this huge gaping hole in my life left by the death of my Gentle Heart and the love I'd had for him that now had no home. So when I met someone who flattered me, made me feel pretty again, I went with it. But not surprisingly we weren't suited. Then I met someone that was so much fun to chat too, but it also faded away.

And now it looks like I've jumped from guy to guy. And I don't know how to explain.

Oh Yes, I'm The Great Pretender

2010-07-26T13:06:00.001+02:00

Beautiful sunny day outside and yet...
Yet it I'm stuck in here.
Stuck with the "might-have-beens",
"could have beens",
"should have beens"
and the "never was".

Stupid dreams running around in here too.
Seeing copies of my Gentle Heart,
Seeing them, me being happy.
Oh I'm very happy.
No I don't mind at all.

Stuck in here I want to cry.
Typing this I want to cry.
I've turned into a stupid cryer.
How did that happen?
Oh wait, I know.

I can already hear my Outop saying "fok die kak".
So I'll blame the flu,
I'll blame PMS,
and I'll turn away
and pretend.
'that this doesn't hurt like a heart ripped out swallowing burning tears down a raw throat hollow aching in my core feeling like a fake when I have to hide this away'
I'm good at pretending.

2 Cents

2010-07-15T12:00:00.000+02:00

Do you understand how it felt now?

Do you understand people's reactions now?

Or is it still about being "right"?

Never learning to expand your narrow view of the world...

Me to You

2010-07-15T10:43:00.000+02:00

I've always wanted a Me to You "Tatty Teddy" but they are so damn expensive. And the whole point of them is that they have to be given to you by a special person. So, many many many years ago, I got a mug - with a promise that I'd get a teddy.

None of these are the actual mug I had that I broke, I can't find that mug anywhere :-(

We never realised that time was so short. I did get an imitation Tatty Teddy on your last day on this earth.
I broke the mug and they're replacing the teddy's with the fur noses with plastic-nosed ones. Dammit.

New style teddy with plastic nose

So I'm browsing online stores and if that doesn't work I'll be heading to the shops. Bye bye budget, but this is important to me.

Old style teddy with furry nose - pictures don't show the difference clearly

In other news...

2010-07-14T14:06:00.001+02:00

I did it: sold my car and bought a type of car I'd never driven before, a car I hadn't even *seen* yet (it came all the way from George) - all on blind faith.

Although I have agonized over the decision, it seems I've taken that last step with the same reckless abandon I made other decisions with: move house, change jobs, go on blind dates (never again!), met a friendly acquintance in his hotel room (nothing happened), kiss a guy I barely know in a club (only once... okay.. twice - was the same guy though) and join someone I barely know on holiday (nothing happened).

Am I having a midlife crises already?? Personally I think this has always been part of my personality, there was just always a greater need to be "cautious" and "responsible". Lately my "devil-may-care" and "let's try it, what the hell" side has had nothing to hold it back anymore. And frankly, why should it? Other people have gotten this reckless behaviour out of their system years ago, it seems I'm finally playing catch-up. Granted at almost 30 this might not be the best time... But "what the hell" :P

Memories of the Sting

2010-07-09T07:43:00.002+02:00

The first moment I saw it at the dealership. They had just gotten it in, it was unwashed & parts where lying everywhere as they were working on it. I knew it was the right one.
The day the clutch broke. In the middle of an intersection. And I pushed it home.
Learning to love driving.
Roadtrip to Riebeek Kasteel. Fourway flickers bombing out the indicators.
Roadtrip to Wildernis. Blankets, portable radio and snacks. Miles & miles of nothing to look at and no radio reception.
Roadtrip to the Rittelfees. The turnoff I almost missed. The barrier I almost *didn't* miss.
The fourway flickers bombing the indicators out, in the middle of the night at the Rittelfees.
Taking my Border Collie to the sporting grounds for the first time in the car. Him jumping on the bonnet, thinking it was the same as the bakkie where he could just jump inside. 20kg confused Border Collie standing on the car.
The first Cultivaria Fees in Paarl. Meeting Petshop boy & him going gagga over my numberplate. Dude was *weird*....
All the trips it took to move my stuff to the flat.
The last trip you ever took in my car.

This wasn't the car that brought you home for the first time, but it was the one that drove you away for the last time. Letting it go feels like letting go of my last real physical connection to you. I know it is just a thing and it is way past time, but it is still bittersweet.

So this is goodbye Sting. It saw a lot of my life. I trust it will drive the new owner to as many happy memories as it did for me.

O by the way, it needs a wash :P

Moedeloos

2010-07-02T14:18:00.002+02:00

So the Great Car Search is still on. And not going so great. FFS.
Found a car - YAY. Searched for a buyer for my car - #Fail.
Turned down the car.
Found a buyer for my car - YAY. Searching for a car for me - #Fail.
FFS.
FFS.
FFS.
Infinity.

I'm not surprised, wait too long to get back into the car market and this is what you get. FFS.
It is too expensive, I know. But it's either too expensive now than totally unaffordable later.
C'mon someone, place your damn car on the market so I can buy it!!!

And if this wasn't enough to drive me batty with worry, dearest Outop is pushing to get me into a government job. Something he has always wanted for me.
It means better pay, better career opportunities, MUCH better benefits and (according to Outop at least) a lot less stress.

It means starting all over again (when I'd just found my feet here), again. It means losing my absolutely amazing view. It means losing (horror of horrors) my unlimited internet connection.
It's all academic right now. The ad has to be placed first & then I'll apply, then there's the selection & interview process to go through, so nothing's set in stone. Outop has a lot of pull though, so I better get used to the idea...

It’s the little things

2010-06-28T08:29:00.000+02:00

If you know me then you know: I’m a worrier. I worry and fret over all the silly small stuff.

I just thought I’d tell you: I didn’t use to. In fact my brother had always said I had “the patience of the Dalai Lama”.

But. Then I lost my Gentle Heart last year in such a painful, senseless way and the world was suddenly a dark and scary place. Surely if I had paid attention to the small things, I could have… Surely if I had spent more time on the little things I would’ve had more time with him? So I try to control my little chunk of the world.

Maybe my worrying ways had started sooner than that. Maybe it had started in that bar in Bain’s Kloof, when the ex sat me down and told me “she’s pregnant”.

Worrying about the small stuff won’t stop the big stuff from happening. Worrying about the small stuff only gives me migraines. But at the moment it’s my way of coping. Trying to restore order to a world gone mad. A world where the person that was supposed to care about me the most hurt me in the worst way. A world where my family was left broken and bleeding by loss.

So excuse me if I worry, I know it doesn’t do any good and I’m working on it.

The day the music died

2010-06-25T11:31:00.000+02:00

A name, a name,
What's in a name?
Your name is all that's on my mind today.

This is how I thought I'd feel on the anniversay of your death.
Now, a month later, it's taken me by surprise.

"They don't see you as I do..."

Oh my last shattered nerve...

2010-06-23T13:11:00.000+02:00

Test driving the potential new car tonight! Need a buyer for my car STAT!!

Yep, I'm freaking out. Freaking out BIG TIME. This is a massive deal for me, as I've said in previous posts. I've had this car for round about 8 years, which means the last time I went through this I was A LOT younger, A LOT more confident financially and A LOT stronger financially. It's a big deal for me, okay!

It'll be fine, right? I'll find a buyer for my car. I'll get good financing. I have a permanent, steady job. I can work within a budget. I can stay within a budget. Right? Right??

Oh my shattered nerves...

An Ode

2010-06-23T12:56:00.000+02:00

I have been so blessed to have gotten to know so many good men in the past year. Men that have all but erased the unfavourable impression I was left with after leaving my previous employer, colleagues and the romantic miss-step behind.

This is my ode to the good, charming, intelligent, friendly, funny, witty, sexy, handsome, compassionate, kind, understanding, exciting, interesting, caring men that I have met and that I had/have in my life - the potentials, friends, family, boyfriends & husbands of friends as well as my not-so-new colleagues.

You all will be tough acts to follow. You all are reflections of my much missed Gentle Heart. And I smile.

Where oh where...

2010-06-19T17:20:00.000+02:00

I'm fine. Most days I feel... normal.
But then I watch the wrong movie. Suddenly find myself crying in front of a stranger. How mortifying - me, that never cries. [Hah, never *used* to I should say. This is just one of the things about me that have changed since last May.]

I know they think they did the right thing. They think they spared me, protected me. Not knowing that I wanted to see you that one last time. That I wanted/still want so desperately to talk to the doctor myself. I want to know how aware you were. How much pain you had. And as that movie so helpfully reminded me: that I wanted your ashes, to take to the ocean. I feel cheated.

And I wonder if you will be there when I leave this world...

Chin up

2010-06-19T17:06:00.000+02:00

This life is really unbelievably short. Before you know it, memories are all you have.
I'd rather they were good ones.
Or ones where I *tried* and tried my damndest.
Win or fail, I will keep trying.

Holiday-AY!!

2010-06-10T13:12:00.000+02:00

Finally...
A holiday doesn't magically "fix" everything (not that there's much to fix, shuttup :P), but this is what I want from my well deserved vacation time: To
- Relax
- Recharge
- Reminisce
- Refresh
- Rejuvenate

Basically a little alone time away from my "normal" life, to process everything that's happened. Before I come back to a week already filled to the brim with friend visits & activities, I just want that little time to myself - no plans, just go & do what I feel like. Or do nothing, if that's what I feel like.

Then when I come back, I hope to be ready to tackle this:
- Career
- Living situation
- Car hunt
- General life direction

That is asking a hell of a lot from just over a week's holiday huh? :P

To answer your question

2010-06-10T07:51:00.003+02:00

There’s an add that goes: “I check check, every hour I check”…

"You wake up a lot...?"

I get asked this question a lot. Mostly I shrug or say "I dunno". Of course I know why. I check check…

I cannot remember what my sleeping pattern was 7 – now 8 (and doesn’t my heart break just a little to have to count this last year in too) years ago. But I’m happy this stayed, that 7 years haven’t been erased in one year. I check check…

This last tenuous connection, this small proof that once there was a reason to wake up… I grab hold of it tightly. I gladly embrace it. And: I check check…

Perspective

2010-06-07T10:27:00.002+02:00

"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered."

Michael J. Fox

Having a Whine

2010-06-07T09:58:00.002+02:00

Suddenly I cried. Because it's not right, and that's not fair you know. I don't want to worry. I don't want to be scared. Neurotic. Hesitant. I don't want to guess at the truth.

It's not fair. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Putting myself through all of this again. I don't know if I could stand it.

Don't be lying. Just don't. I cannot take that again.

Slow down you're gonna crash

2010-06-07T07:52:00.001+02:00

Don't
Can't
You shouldn't
You mustn't
You're crazy
And much too impulsive for your own good.

"My head is screaming: 'Get a grip girl, unless you're dying to cry your heart out.'"

When I was Cautiously Optimistic

2010-06-07T07:45:00.000+02:00

You were perfect for me...
She is perfect for you...
And so it goes.

My New Fave Song - Courtesy of Star Trek :-)

2010-06-02T12:13:00.000+02:00

Where My Heart Will Take Me Lyrics by Russell Watson

It's been a long road, getting from there to here.
It's been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing's in my way.
And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not
gonna hold me down.

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

It's been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they're not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not
gonna change my mind.

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or
break me.

I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.
I've known the wind so cold, I've seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain.
But I'll be fine ...

Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or
break me.

I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.
Cause I've got faith of the heart.
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul. And no one's gonna bend or
break me.

I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart.

Weirdness...

2010-06-02T10:11:00.002+02:00

Weird weekend. Very weird….

It was my memorial/anniversary weekend. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. Wasn’t sure how I was feeling. Didn’t know how I was going to feel as the day progressed. So it was weird. But you know it’s true what they say, it’s not about the date. Although the date does make you think of it more.

Anyhow, there was a braai with friends on Saturday – it would keep my mind off the date and I wouldn’t be alone. But the braai was in the complex opposite where the Ex-hole used to live. So in the midst of this emotional confusion I drove from my parents’ house (like I used to drive to E-H), all along the same road, turn at the robot, turn at the side street and then turned left instead of right. Didn’t help that the complex looks almost exactly like his old complex. Didn’t help that my friends’ house looks almost exactly alike his old house. Didn’t help that the atmosphere in the complex was the same as in E-H’s old complex. The strange sunny weather didn’t help either – it was Summer when I used to visit the Ex-hole and it felt like summer Saturday. Fine, I *was* freezing, but the sun made it feel like it should be Summer.

Weird. Surreal even. Or just weird. It weirded me out. Do you get that it was weird for me? :P Call it a Pavlovian response: his old place is always where I went when I drove that way, so his place is where my subconscious expected to be. It put me off-balance.

Had a good time with good friends despite this and the time between 5pm & 9pm passed by with nary a niggle. Go team. Sunday (the actual anniversary) also passed by without a hiccup. Yay me.

It was not how I expected it would be, even if I wasn’t sure what to expect. I hardly felt a thing. ANYthing. I don’t know. You just feel so far away, Gentle Heart.

*sigh* And writing this isn’t really helping either.

PS: I don’t understand, Cautiously Optimistic, I just don’t understand. Is *this* what you wanted?? I saw something different for you: you were soaring. But who am I to dream for you? This is what you saw, so as long as it makes sense to you then that’s what matters.

Lost in a riddle that Saturday night…

2010-05-27T13:01:00.000+02:00

Hey Boo,

Had a difficult time sleeping last night. Hasn’t happened in months but it’s because you’ve been on my mind so often seeing as it’s almost May (and one year of Life Without You). So I’m starting this post now (on 24 March) because I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write it come May…

A friend told me that I must talk about you, that this is why the wound is still there – because I try to cover it with something else and never really look at it. While this is true in ways (I can’t write off the feelings I had for 3 people this past year so lightly), I also know the wound is still there because I keep it there. By constantly going back to that night. By constantly going back and poking, poking, poking at it, just to see exactly how much it still hurts. It’s my thing…

So, with a few more days to go till the 30th of May (and me being an emotional wreck already) here’s what I could write about:

I could write of the utter terror of standing in the driveway, helplessly looking into my car while you were seizing.
I could write of the mind-numb prayer filled race to the hospital.
I could write about how I frantically tried to get the nurses to help me with you.
I could write about how you looked while the doctor inspected you.
I could write about how I had to leave you, in the care of strangers, alone.
I could write of my mother’s hopelessly optimistic musings on our drive home, without you.
I could write of the inevitable phone call, confirming what I already knew: you were never coming home again.
Or I could write of my fear that you are confused, lost, alone and afraid wherever you may be now.

What I will write is this:
Your name was Ben. I loved you unconditionally, boundlessly, endlessly. I cannot stop feeling like I failed you.

Lost in a riddle that Saturday night…
And she couldn’t find how to push through…
I stay, I pray, see you in heaven one day
I stay, I pray, see you in heaven far away.
-paraphrased-

Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

2010-05-17T15:21:00.001+02:00

Financial ruin. There, I said it.

I’m not proud to say that I stared down that dark pit, I felt that fear. I am not proud to say that I narrowly avoided it, because if I hadn’t gotten this job exactly when I did…. Well, no need to draw a picture.

I was too proud to tell my father how far I had fallen. Too proud and too ashamed. How could I tell him his practical and full of common sense “Kleintjie” had made the same mistakes he did? That in following an impractical dream I was about to lose everything?

Crawling away from the pit has proven harder than I thought it would. It seems a case of “one step forward, two steps back” with constant car issues, flatmate issues and unexpected expenses. Quite frankly I’ve also been spending like there was no tomorrow, because at least for a while there I didn’t care if there *was* going to be a tomorrow or not.

And now I need to buy a newer car. And I am concerned. Very very concerned. Now I know how close that pit is. Now I know how deep that hole can be. A leap of faith seems very foolish without some semblance of a safety net.

No, I don’t want my old life back. I don’t want to erase those experiences, horrible as they were. I *would* like a little of my effortless confidence in my own ability to “make it” back. You can keep the money, I don’t want a dime from you.

My father tells me: “I don’t want you to worry. You will always have a room here. We will cope.” But if the unthinkable happens, will my pride allow me to accept his help?

Yet you do what you must to survive, I know that now, too.

Unrelated middle of the night ARB thoughts

2010-05-14T09:10:00.001+02:00

“There are two types of girls in the world, the ones that you marry and the ones that you sleep with.”

Really? Well I’m not sleeping with anyone and no one is marrying me (yet... there’s always hope? :-P) so shall I introduce the third type of girl: the wallflower. Ta-da! :P

_________________

It’s not about him.
It’s about her not winning.

It’s not about her.
It’s about who she represents.

_________________

It’s about me: about my admittedly obscure/wry/dark sense of humour being understood, “got” & appreciated. I poke fun at myself – this doesn’t mean I’m putting myself down! See the difference. I try to see the lighter side in any situation, if you can’t laugh at yourself where would you be?
And I try to see the other person’s point of view. Don’t think I’m choosing sides or making excuses for someone! I’d just (still) like to believe the best of people. Appreciate & cherish this naiveté.

_________________

#ThatIsAll

A post related to Mothers' Day

2010-05-10T15:18:00.000+02:00

All the sad news lately and the fact that the anniversary of losing my Gentle Heart is almost upon me, has me in a very melancholy and reflective mood.

So I thought I’d write about two different & yet connected things:

1. This time last year...

I was struggling to adjust to my new life. Work was no longer 7 to 10min away, instead it was 40 to 60min. I could no longer get up at 7am, instead I started work at 7am. A relatively small environment where I knew everyone (most privately, one intimately), was exchanged for an entire city full of strangers. There was no more “our business” where most of the decisions were up to me, now there were Department Heads, Office Managers & Partners.

Also there were no more worries over where the money was disappearing to, no more middle-of-the-night drunken phone calls and so on. But no more someone who knew just from the sound of my “hello” on the phone if I was angry, sad or happy.

And this time last year, while I was picking up the pieces of my life, there was still you – Gentle Heart. This time last year, I was taking your presence for granted.

2. Mother’s Day

However much I complain about my mother, I do love her. There are two things that are the cause of my friction with her and both are things that can’t be discussed with her, I simply need to accept & forget. It’s not easy.

But then there are days like yesterday when I stopped by quickly for Mothers’ Day (I had taken her out for coffee & cake the day before). There was a moment when the resemblance was so strong and in tears I turned to her and said: “Just like him.” We simply stood there, hugging, sharing the pain, loss and longing.

So thank you Mom, for knowing exactly who I am missing and feeling it acutely with me.

The Great Car Search Is On!

2010-05-04T09:54:00.000+02:00

But I'm not excited. In fact, I am terrified.

Oh I'm sure I'll find a reliable car and I'll find a buyer for my car, I'm not worried about *that*. And yes it'll be difficult to let go of this car, so many memories are wrapped up in it's interior (and the exterior too... :-p), but it's time.

What I *am* worried about is paying it back... Life can go to Hell in a handbasket in an instant... WTF do I do then?? I have no more safety-net, the ex-hole disaster took care of that. Leaving the ruins behind & then getting back on my feet has taken longer than I had expected it to. Had some more unexpected speedbumps along the way. It has made me wary.

So.

Sooooo... I have to suck it up don't I? :-P It is time for a newer model car, so I'll just have to put my fears aside. I won't get the one I want (and can actually afford), I'll play it safe & get a 2006 or 2007 model - Toyota, Mazda, Ford or Opel-something-or-other.

And I'll do what I always do: I'll survive.

Playing on my drive to work...

2010-04-29T08:05:00.001+02:00

ABBA - The Winner Takes It All

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Rebellious eyes

2010-04-29T07:47:00.000+02:00

I hadn't realised what my eyes were drinking in,
Until I closed them to go to sleep
And was presented with a montage of facial expressions.
Thanks for that, Brain.

It's not about the person though,
I'd like some parts of the personality,
Mixed with some parts of another person's personality,
Mixed with some things from yet another person's personality.
Throw in some imaginary traits
And have a whole, real different person.
(In that packaging...)

So, Brain, you can keep your collage/montage to yourself. #thatisall

The best medicine

2010-04-28T09:28:00.000+02:00

Dinners, Lunches, DVD afternoons & evenings,
Braais, concerts, shopping, playtime & family time,
Fashion Show, 80's music & picnics at Kirstenbosch,
Cubana, Buckley's, Mercury, Wakame, Mount Nelson, One & Only -
All these things and more: filled with friends, filled with laughter.

Laughter washing away the effects of stress, worry, fear, lies, betrayal, regret, tears & grief.
Laughter, while not erasing the lines left on my face and the grey that appeared in my hair, lightens the marks left on my heart.
Fun & laughter truly are the best medicine :-)

It's lonely here today

2010-04-26T11:33:00.001+02:00

I finally dreamt of you Saturday night. More reliving the memory while sleeping than an actual dream. It was about the night of the mice. Remember when the neighbour's pet mice came into our yard from underneath the wall?

Your face! - oh!

That is one of my most treasure memories… I *so* wish I had a photo of that moment. There are never enough photos. I carry it in my heart though, always.

It is always so difficult to walk into that house and see that face, so like yours and yet so un-alike. Everywhere you’re supposed to be. Everywhere that was yours.

Heaven seems very far away today.

The laughter you brought

2010-04-19T14:10:00.001+02:00

The office is already quiet without you :-(

You didn't like soppy stuff, so I'll keep it simple. I just wanted to thank you Sarita. Thank you for making me laugh, for taking me into your confidence, for sharing your troubles with me, for trusting me with your secrets, for ripping me off, for having my back, for being you. Goodbye and good luck my friend.

Here are some of the gems I will miss:

“You’re too picky Carlise. But that’s right. You are quality, you deserve quality.”

“Naai Carlise don’t worry, I got your back!”

“Ek sukkel met jou.”

“Don’t worry Carlise, I’ll buy you one. Super small right?”

“Teacher, Carlise is swearing!”

“Ai Karlienkatjie, ek sukkel met jou.”

“Oh you got jokes now?”

“You are too picky. But that’s right. Never compromise your faith or your values.”

And your “Urkel” dance to “Make the circle bigger”.

Yes yes, I know: “Ek sukkel met jou”. :P

Thank you, Facebook

2010-04-19T13:47:00.002+02:00

I will never be someone’s secret again. If you cannot shout your feelings for me from the rooftops, I won’t have you whisper it to me in the dark.

Angry? Yes I suppose I am. I was an inexperienced 25 year old when I first met the Ex-hole. My very first impression was: “Ugh, player. Oily smooth player. Yuck.”
Should have kept to that insight.

The story of how he changed my mind about him is long and ugly. Suffice it to say that in the end I knew he lied, cheated and stole: from his clients, from his business partner, from his various girlfriends, from me – everything I had went into “our” business which he ran into the ground, from his friends, from his *best* friends and from my father.

I believed him because he believed his own lies. I believed him because I believed in myself. Of course he loved me – I am lovable! Of course he wouldn’t cheat on me – I was his rock! Of course he hadn’t meant to hurt me – I was his life!

Hah.

Now he’s getting married to his “cousin”. *snort*

3 Years and near bankruptcy later, I walked out. Into a new job, a fresh start, a new life. Some scars remain: a woman with a certain “look” gets my hackles up, cellphone and online activities are scrutinized and as I’ve said above secrets are a “No”. I also haven’t been with a man since him (such a pity he was my first). Haven’t met anyone I would want to be with, I did try once with an old friendly acquaintance but the very idea just turned my stomach. It’ll take someone *very* special and patient for me to try again. Meh, this time I will wait for a wedding ring.

There you have it. Any more to this story will only be shared with the closest of friends. Bring wine :P

PS: somewhere out there is a little boy that should’ve been mine…

Progress...

2010-04-15T10:14:00.001+02:00

Grief counseling. About time don't you think? Well I couldn't stomach the thought of some stranger poking around in my head (my heart) - not when I'm doing enough poking & prodding and incessant introspection already - so I joined an online group.

Now there's *lots* of strangers poking around :-P I'm more comfortable with handling it in an online forum and isn't that really what counts? I don't know. Whatever. It's my grief and I can deal with it in a way that's best for me, right? (This is the point where you keep your opinion to yourself. :P)

Sooo.. I'm writing this instead of taking the next step, which is actually sharing/interacting in the group... Small steps people, small steps.

I did find this piece there that I wanted to share:

"Changing leaves falling slow... I never knew it was your time to go. You're gone forever, never returning, but my love's fire will always be burning." ~ Anon

To Whom It May Concern

2010-04-13T13:01:00.001+02:00

I look for you, not actively, but I do look. The ever elusive “you”, the perfect fit. Not a perfect person, because no one is perfect. Who would *want* to be “perfect”? How very confining that would be…

Instead “you”, the perfect fit for me. I see reflections of you in the people around me. These people are my much loved friends. I have caught glimpses of you in some men I have met, and it confused me. I am sorry. Though one may be very close and thus hard to put aside, I will. Given time, I will.

I look for you, not actively, but I do look. I can only hope you are looking too.

Rhymes to pass the time

2010-04-12T14:08:00.001+02:00

Write me a letter
Write me a song
Paint me a picture
Of I where I belong

Your well turned phrase
Will turn my head
You eloquent ways
Will take over my heart

You have this power
I gave it away
Please do be careful
With what you say

So wrap me in cotton wool
Wrap me in your arms
Hide me away
From the world’s harm

Show me your heart
And I’ll show you mine
While I pray that it’s worthy
This battered old heart of mine.

Here's a little ditty...

2010-04-12T08:24:00.000+02:00

Once upon a time there was a girl with blue eyes and red hair,
You didn't see her,
She wasn't there.

Once upon a time there was a girl with blue eyes and red hair,
You didn't see her,
You weren't there.

Once upon a time there was a girl with blue eyes and red hair,
You didn't see her,
You didn't care.

Once upon a time there lived a girl with blue eyes and red hair,
You'll never see her,
She doesn't care.

What keeps me awake

2010-04-07T07:53:00.000+02:00

Empty womb.
A particularly female pain.
Cannot imagine a worse pain.
Empty womb.

Would you have white hair like my brother was born with?
Would you have blue eyes like my mother and I?
Would you be a boy or a girl?
You are a boy in my heart...
There is only one name on my heart, reserved for you.
Will I ever get the chance to give it to you?

Meh

2010-04-07T07:42:00.001+02:00

You don’t know me.
You never even bothered to get to know me.

So why should I care? Why should I care what you think or say when it is abundantly clear (as it was clear to everyone except me right from the start) that you never cared about me? You may be a great person and friend to your friends, but I never was your friend now was I?

Point a finger. Find your soapbox. My friends know me, they know my heart: they know I had already stood up, owned up, manned up and apologized where needed. They now I will do better in future. I am more than capable of admitting when I am wrong, I don’t need to be villainized after the fact.

Yes, having to write this proves that your words do hurt. But then, I care – it is who I am, but you wouldn’t know this because you don’t know *me*.

So as always, I write this for me and the people who *really* care about me.
Their opinions are the ones that matter. And I will work on having their opinions being the only ones I care about.

I have enough pain, I don't need to carry what someone else thinks I must.

A focus.. A plan..

2010-04-06T11:24:00.002+02:00

(I have written about this before)

Apparently I don't have either... Allow me to introduce you to my new favourite word: Meh. Yes, it's a word. 'Cause I said so :P

A lot of people have asked me - or more accurately - told me that I should study. "Don't you want to get somewhere? It's the only way to get somewhere. You have to get somewhere." Meh.

Then I get asked: "What do you want?" Ahhh... that's better. That one I can answer. So here's a little list of what I want:

1.   To love and be loved in return
2.   A family
3.   The feeling that I belong ~ I have this now - thank you #pinkdrinks crew
4.   To have genuine good friends who accept me for who I am ~ I have this now - thank you Twitter
5.   A job in which I am happy, get paid what I am worth and am good at ~ I have this
6.   A pet
7.   More books
8.   To go out to new places & do new things ~ doing this
9.   The birthday experience of my dreams
10. A new nose and maybe bigger breasts ~ I don't care if this is shallow :P

And my final word on this subject: http://all4women.co.za/vivvo_general/get-a-life.html

There, now don't ask me again ;-)

No ding-ding without the wedding ring?

2010-04-06T08:44:00.001+02:00

In theory, yes. That was my goal anyway. And that is my goal again. I don't know how attainable that is (*snort*, not like the boys are beating down my door - so I guess it's pretty attainable), but I waited until I was 26 so I think I could do it again. Or not *do it* as the case may be :P

You see, I am old fashioned. Out-dated. Prudish? Not if you saw the inside of my mind...... But I digress.
Thing is, I'm not the kind of person that can just kiss some random guy in a club. (shuttup #pinkdrinks crew, *he* wasn't random :P) I can't "go out & have some fun" or get an "over-under guy". I tried it once and almost got sick, it sickens me. It's just not me.

Some days I envy people who can do that: kiss someone without meaning anything, jump into bed willy-nilly, give their hearts out & get it back quickly and easily. Because I cannot. I cannot kiss someone I do not like a lot. I cannot sleep with someone I do not love. I do not love easily, it takes a lot, and when I do give my heart - I struggle to get it back.

I could go on and on here, but I think I've got my point across. I'm not a casual girl, I'm a wet hen holding out for the real thing. Meh.

PS: My friend said it so well, have a read: http://stumblingani.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-idea-of-fun.html

Empty House

2010-04-06T08:08:00.000+02:00

Weekend again. You know what that means.
Drive that road.
See the house.
Park in the driveway.

*The driveway. Remember.*

Walk to the front door.
Ring the bell.
Brace myself.
Door opens.
Not your face.

*Feel that.*

Walk in.
You're not there.
All through the house, outside too.
I look, I look for you.

Jealousy makes you nasty....

2010-03-29T08:30:00.000+02:00

I'm not a naturally nice person. I've said it before and I stand up and own it again.

Some things are sucky and I just want to say: "Seriously, you expect me to smile and make nice during *this*? What am I, a saint??"

No I am not a saint, but I *am* a grownup. So I *should* smile and make nice, like a damn grownup.

Point is, I try. I try *very* hard.

So if you see me struggle, if you see me fail - tell me.

And I will try harder.

This too shall pass?

2010-03-23T14:53:00.000+02:00

I will be fine. But the thing is, I don’t *want* to be fine. I don’t want you to be just another person I have to forget.

One day all this seemingly pointless hearthache will make sense. One day I will look back and see the reason.

But I don't want to.

Missing you

2010-03-18T08:03:00.000+02:00

Unthinking, casually, you are mentioned.
Idle conversation and the differences are discussed.
Pointed out.
Pointed - appropriate word, because it found the raw spot
Like a pointed stick, stuck in there.
It is right that you are talked about.
You are remembered.
You are loved.
But I cannot afford to cry right now.
Gentle Heart, I have so much work to do,
but I can't focus with this lump in my throat
and these blurry eyes.

I wish I wish I wish....

2010-03-16T13:36:00.000+02:00

Things I wish I could say:

- I want to be in your arms again.
- I could cheerfully scratch her eyes out.
- I want to be in your arms again.
- You are adorable.
- I want to be in your arms again.
- As long as you’re happy, healthy & safe, that’s all that matters. Of course it hurts like - *sigh* - but really you happy is the bottom line.
- Doesn’t mean I’m not jealous, but you can’t make someone feel something they don’t.

“I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you don't feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight”

There is *no* hope and besides, hope might be hope for the wrong thing anyway! – so why can’t I get it in my stupid head?? I don't understand this. Am I thinking too much? Yes I think I am.

And I want to be in your arms.

I Wrote This For Me

2010-03-11T08:26:00.000+02:00

So I went for it. In my usual style of “look before I leap” or more accurately “look but leap anyway”. I went for it despite the fact that several differences made the possibility of anything happening slim, and even if anything happened the probability of it being something lasting was slim to none. But I hope, believe and trust in the power of love (when it happens & when it is real) to overcome most things. So I was willing to try.

And I must admit I went for it because it was fun. Fun, bright, happy and had me smiling and feeling alive with all the schoolgirl-ness of butterflies when I saw him, not knowing what to say because anything I wanted to say made me sound like an idiot, feeling all clumsy etc around him. (It didn’t take me out of the numbness, someone else got me out of that & straight into “WTF?” – so it got me out of “WTF?”). I also liked him or rather what I knew about him, because I don’t know *him* - if you get my meaning - I didn’t get a chance to get to know him or have him get to know me properly.

But I ran with it. Against my common sense – instincts - whatever. And when things got a little ahead of themselves, I believed what I wanted to. I saw what I wanted to be there. And so I ran with it.

Until I hit a wall.

Owie.

So I’m going to stand here for awhile. I’ll be fine, don’t get me wrong. But I’m just need to stand here, just until the “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” have subsided a bit. ‘Cause I really did like him.

Disclaimer: No one’s at fault, except maybe me who should’ve known better. No one did anything wrong either. It is what it is.

Because we're worth it

2010-03-04T15:25:00.001+02:00

“You’re not allowed to sit there. Those (chairs) aren’t meant for *you*.”

Those were the first words spoken to me by another child on my first day of kindergarten/crèche. I was four. That day is still the first clear memory I have from childhood and set the trend for my entire school experience.

I’m insecure, self-conscious, jealous, shy, selfish, self-centered and vain. This is the legacy of being bullied and more recently of being cheated on, repeatedly. School wasn’t all bad though, I had good friends – all gone their separate ways now except for one. Made other friends after that, but outgrew most of them. And now I have a whole new group of awesome friends, friends that build me up, that remind me of what I am worth.

So, I may not be a nice person but I deserve better. I deserve time, attention, honesty, courtesy, affection, laughter, fun, support, sharing, caring, protection, security, understanding, desire, respect and love. Because this is what I give. And so I’d like to say to that sub-conscious mean child inside that cannot wait to pounce on me in a weak moment: “Yes, that *is* meant for me.”

It was nice

2010-03-04T15:24:00.001+02:00

A dream

Only a dream?
But I always always always choose reality
I cannot live a lie

Part of the List

2010-02-25T13:31:00.001+02:00

I don’t know you, but these are the things I know about you and that I like:

Your silly/goofy humour
Your sarcasm
Your shyness
Your enthusiasm & passion for the things you like
Your sporting ability
Your honesty
Your work ethic
Your confidence
Your sensitive & caring heart

Playing around: Nixie & Carli

2010-02-23T13:19:00.000+02:00

Me & my "honorary sister" :-D

@NixieKitty & @Riven16

Pink Lawn for the #pinkdrinks crew

2010-02-23T12:36:00.000+02:00

For the lovely people I've met on Twitter: @al_ice, @ann_wilson, @anib, @cc_monkey, @kambabe & @squidsquirt - the #pinkdrinks crew FTW! (Missing our other members: @acidicice & @rudicowboy, new baby @eli_ice keeping them busy)

The sun burns

2010-02-15T14:14:00.000+02:00

You walk in the room,
I realise I’ve been watching the entrance the whole night,
Waiting for the sight you.
It becomes simultaneously harder and yet easier to breathe.
And I realise I’ve fallen…
This is going to hurt like a bitch.

Some more random ramblings

2010-02-12T14:28:00.000+02:00

“Hope is hard to kill…”

I am at ease with being alone for the first time in months ever since…. This happened gradually, like I knew it would, like it is supposed to. I didn’t want it to happen, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t still remember. That I won’t always remember. I still try to avoid the conversation and even while typing this I have a lump in throat, but this is all part of the natural process. And I can’t fight the natural order – I would if I could, for the one I love I would do *anything*.

I find myself getting back to the “old” me – actively seeking out alone time, *needing* alone time. And being at peace with my thoughts. It’s not quite the same “me” anymore though. I didn’t expect it to be. The biggest change is the matter of children. I want one more and more. When I’ve come back from visiting my godson it is the worst. Remembering how all us cousins grew up together, playing together and mostly getting along. My brother and I growing up together, playing together and mostly getting along. And I want that. I want that so badly I can taste it. I want to take *my* son with to play with my godson. I want to hear *my* son telling my about the “Balentine Birthday” party they’re having at playschool. I want to tell *my* son it’s bathtime and watch how he washes himself, ‘cause he’s “a big boy now & can do it myself”. Biological clock ticking? Yes, yes and yes.

So a plan is forming and I am starting to save in preparation. I’ve never been a corporate ladder climber: I am happy in my job, I am good at my job and it pays well. This is enough. If this job doesn’t fit in with the plan, I’ll look for something else, possibly start something of our own as my cousin’s wife & I have been talking of. “Career fulfillment” has never been an issue for me. I want “life fulfillment”, therefore I fill my live with the things I love: family, friends, books, going out, outdoors, cooking etc etc etc.

‘At peace alone’ and ‘happy to be on my own’ is not the same things though. Yes I can now be home alone on a Saturday night without breaking into tears, yes I can go to a shopping centre alone, drive alone at night, walk around Town alone – all without feeling like I have to hold onto myself to keep from shattering = that is ‘at peace alone’.

I have no problem with being on my own either. Going out by myself, going on holiday by myself (actually like this a lot!), taking part in social activities without a significant other – this is fine. I am comfortable & happy with myself so I am comfortable & happy doing things by myself. But, and this is a big but, I remember what it was like having that someone to share these things with. I remember what it felt like having someone special to care for in my life. Someone I couldn’t wait to talk to, who I could talk about anything with even if we didn’t agree on everything (this actually made it more fun). Someone I could share things with, someone I *wanted* to share things with. Once you had that, that feeling, I don’t see how you can *not* miss it – with every fiber of your being.

Even being happy on my own I cannot deny that my heart was made to love, I cannot apologize for that either. It is however uncertain if I will ever find love again and hence the plan formation: This year is all about me (and saving) and then next year…. I will join the single mother club.

Saturday

2010-02-08T13:16:00.000+02:00

I saw that photo

The one I've been avoiding

It looks nothing like you

And I've been crying ever since.

About Me

2010-02-05T15:27:00.000+02:00

I am not a nice person, but I try to be.

I am an ISFP personality type and tend towards the quiet side. I enjoy going out, but I need “me” time. Here’s a summary:

"For ISFPs the dominant quality in their lives is a deep-felt caring for living things, combined with a quietly playful and sometimes adventurous approach to life and all its experiences. ISFPs typically show their caring in very practical ways, since they often prefer action to words. Their warmth and concern are generally not expressed openly, and what people often first encounter with ISFPs is their quiet adaptability, realism, and "free spirit" spontaneity.

Usually gentle and kind, they are intense and passionate about their values and deeply held beliefs, which they share with trusted friends. Because of their discreet manner, their enthusiasm may not be apparent. They are sensitive to others' pain, restlessness or general discomfort and strive to find happiness, balance and wholeness for themselves in order to help others find joy, satisfaction and plenitude. They are deeply empathetic.

They live life in an intently personal fashion, acting on the belief that each person is unique and that social norms are to be respected only if they do not hinder personal development or expression. They strive to adhere to their own high personal moral standards and are particularly sensitive to inconsistencies in their environment between what is being said and what is being done. Empty promises of adhering to something they value – such as environmental causes or human rights - set off an inner alarm and they may transform themselves into modern day Joan of Arcs.

They are quietly persistent in raising awareness of cherished causes and often fight for the underdog in quiet or not-so-quiet ways. In a team, they will raise issues of integrity, authenticity, and good or bad, and may to opt out if the team refuses to address the questions raised.

They are usually tolerant and open-minded, insightful, flexible and understanding. They live for the understanding of others and feel deeply grateful when someone takes the time to get to know them personally. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned, insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire others to be themselves."

I’m too honest. I have yet to learn that you don’t need to say *everything* and that other people might not have the same level of honesty.

I have an obscure, wacky, dark & sarcastic sense of humour. Or maybe I’m just weird :P

I am stubborn. As in: dig my heels in, cut off my nose to spite my face, stubborn. Especially when I’ve been hurt or angered.

Also when I’ve been hurt or angered I tend to go into “hedgehog” mode: i.e. I retract emotionally and lash out at people trying to reach me.

I am not good with expressing my feelings with words. Instead I am a nurturer, the kind that will make sure you have a home cooked dinner every night, that you have leftovers or sandwiches for lunch, that you’re safe and healthy.

I have a vivid imagination. I dream many times a night, sometimes disturbing - sometimes not. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love salt. Salty food, salty snacks, salt FTW :-D

I love learning but dislike studying. Getting a degree of whatsoever kind has no appeal to me,
I’d rather read about anything and everything.

I have discovered a love of cooking and would like to take a cooking class. Yes, I will take a cooking class ASAP :-D

I get migraine headaches. They build from stress but are triggered by either: sleeping wrong, lack of sleep, instant coffee, some smells or sometimes flashing lights and/or sounds.

Because of the migraines I cannot eat Chinese food (something about the oil they use to cook the food in - blegh). I’ve found that sushi wrapped in rice has the same effect. That’s okay, I don’t like sushi anyway :-P

I am always cold. Always. Even when I’m hot, you can be sure I’ll get cold soon. Be prepared.

I broke my ankle in 2005. Because of this I cannot run and I limp when I’m tired. It also hurts now & then.

I’ve had a lot of operations. Last one was to remove a lump from my breast. There is a scar.

The only sport I’m good at is shooting. My dad took me with to the shooting range from the age of 3. I’m still pissed he sold my CZ.

I cannot function without music and am envious of people that can play a musical instrument or sing.

Sometimes my brain can’t decide where left & right is. I think it’s because I do certain things left-handed while I write right-handed.

I have a godson whom I adore. I would like to have a son and possibly a daughter although I am terrified of being pregnant. Also terrified of being a parent.

I had it all: the guy, the business, the future plan. Until he partied, drank, gambled, drugged & whored everything away. I started 2009 desperately seeking a new job and trying to keep my head above water, while being accused of desertion and worse things. I started my new job end of March 2009 and have settled in nicely. Getting my life and shattered confidence back together has proven more difficult – although both are now firmly on track. Err.. Just remind me of this when I loose confidence :P

I now have no big plan, rather enjoying what life brings everyday and grabbing the opportunities & experiences that come my way.

A state to be desired

2010-02-03T09:09:00.001+02:00

Torn between the Sun and the Moon
In this place that I created

Shunned by the Moon
Its comforting light denied
Turned away from the presence that felt like home

Look towards the Sun
Warm & bright, makes me feel alive again
Knowing that I don’t belong
That the Sun burns

But the Moon is gone
Let me burn then…

The grief that must have way

2010-02-03T08:54:00.000+02:00

Others’ grief overshadows mine,
Others’ don’t understand.
But it was still love,
It is still loss,
And today the weather matches the colour of my heart.

Resignation
from The Seaside and the Fireside
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
(1807-1882)

There is no flock, however watched and tended,
But one dead lamb is there!
There is no fireside, howsoe’er defended,
But has one vacant chair!

The air is full of farewells to the dying,
And mournings for the dead;
The heart of Rachel, for her children crying,
Will not be comforted!

Let us be patient! These severe afflictions
Not from the ground arise,
But oftentimes celestial benedictions
Assume this dark disguise.

We see but dimly through the mists and vapors;
Amid these earthly damps
What seem to us but sad, funereal tapers
May be heaven’s distant lamps.

There is no Death! What seems so is transition;
This life of mortal breath
Is but a suburb of the life elysian,
Whose portal we call Death.

She is not dead,–the child of our affection,–
But gone unto that school
Where she no longer needs our poor protection,
And Christ himself doth rule.

In that great cloister’s stillness and seclusion,
By guardian angels led,
Safe from temptation, safe from sin’s pollution,
She lives, whom we call dead.

Day after day we think what she is doing
In those bright realms of air;
Year after year, her tender steps pursuing,
Behold her grown more fair.

Thus do we walk with her, and keep unbroken
The bond which nature gives,
Thinking that our remembrance, though unspoken,
May reach her where she lives.

Not as a child shall we again behold her;
For when with raptures wild
In our embraces we again enfold her,
She will not be a child;

But a fair maiden, in her Father’s mansion,
Clothed with celestial grace;
And beautiful with all the soul’s expansion
Shall we behold her face.

And though at times impetuous with emotion
And anguish long suppressed,
The swelling heart heaves moaning like the ocean,
That cannot be at rest,–

We will be patient, and assuage the feeling
We may not wholly stay;
By silence sanctifying, not concealing,
The grief that must have way.

Things I'm not okay with

2010-02-01T14:11:00.000+02:00

After a good chat with my ever insightful friend #magicalalice, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some things I’m not okay with. I might never be okay with these things, but (in moderation) being not okay with them isn’t all that bad:

1. Your female friends
So you have a *lot* of female friends… Why? Who are they? How do you know them? What do you talk to them about? How do you visit them? Can I meet them?

2. Cellphone (and internet) activity
Do you take your cellphone with you everywhere? Do you get antsy when someone touches your phone? Do you take calls in front me? Who are you sms’ing (likewise Email, Facebook, Twitter, Mxit etc)? Can I see?

3. Plans with me
Do you keep to plans we’ve made? Do you keep to the time agreed on? If the plans *have* to change, when do you let me know?

4. Half-truths/White lies
Don’t like these anymore than outright lies. All come out eventually, and then I wonder what else you’re being dishonest about. Just try to be as honest as you can and I will try the same.

And there you have it. A little look into the things that bother me.